Inspiring People Who Are Rethinking Drinking Volume 27
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Meet Lucy
Nurse manager and mom Lucy used alcohol to cope with the pressures of work and life - until she realized alcohol’s promise to help was an illusion.
Please introduce yourself to our readers!
My name is Lucy. I live in the Evergreen State of Washington. We have gorgeous summer days and I love to spend my time with my wonderful husband and 3 girls hiking, visiting lakes and spending as much time as we can outdoors soaking the sun or swimming. I am a nurse by profession and have worked in different nursing roles. Currently, I am a nurse manager.
What was your relationship with alcohol prior to rethinking drinking?
Most of my drinking years were repetitive. I had big goals and dreams but never achieved or committed to any of them . I worked hard and played hard too. I used work as a valid reason to enjoy a glass or 7 of red wine every weekend or during my off days. The harder or rougher the weeks the greater reasons I had to imbibe in something stiffer.
I worked, tried to parent, drunk, nursed hangovers every Sunday, rinse and repeat. Alcohol was supposed to be my reward for a job well done or so I thought. However, the more I drank, the worse I felt. I spent a lot of Sundays beating myself, feeling like a total failure. I laid in bed unable to move, lying to my kids that I was sick. I dreaded Mondays.
The hangxiety of going to work still hangover (on weekends that I had overdone) was pure terror. I hated myself for over-drinking despite promising myself not to. I had a lot of rules surrounding drinking just to avoid hangovers and public humiliation. I had no stop button. I would try to pace myself and drink responsibly, drink expensive liquor or wine for less hangovers but nothing worked. It was like I was sinking in a terrible hole and felt so lonely, so alone. I could not understand how on the outside my life looked ok, it was ok - but inside I was miserable. I have now come to know that is gray area drinking. The space between 2 extremes: not drinking at all and being completely dependent and addicted to alcohol.
What was the moment that you decided to rethink your drinking?
The moment I decided to stop drinking was accumulated over 1.5 years. April 2020 was the height of my problematic drinking. I had spent the last 10 years of my life repeating the same cycle and something deep within me started to question alcohol’s lies. Alcohol did not feel like a reward. Maybe for the few hours between rushing my kids to bed so I could start drinking, to about 5 a.m. I was almost always in a blackout state the last couple of hours of drinking.
“I had spent the last 10 years of my life repeating the same cycle and something deep within me started to question alcohol’s lies.”
There was no way, I wanted to continue living my life that way. In my line of work, I had met many people who struggled with alcoholism. I was deathly scared to stop drinking because society has taught us that people stop drinking only because they are alcoholics.
How was I an alcoholic? I held a great job, I have a husband, I never drove drunk, I never went to work drunk, maybe mildly hungover. So why couldn’t I drink moderately like the rest of the world? There must have been something wrong with me. The fact that I couldn’t control my drinking meant I was a failure. Alcohol made me feel stupid and weak.
Somehow, I ran into Annie Grace’s book This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol. The book confirmed every one of my questions. Alcohol is not fun. Alcohol is not relaxing. This book changed my mind about what alcohol truly was. For the first time in a long time, I was able to go alcohol free for 60 days. Then like a thief in the night, sneaky thoughts of moderation crept up again. I decided that I was strong, and I could moderate. Boy was I wrong! In the summer of 2020, I resumed drinking, because I could magically moderate. Within a few months I was back to drinking the same amount, if not more, before I stopped.
It was another year of binge drinking until July 9th of 2021, after yet another massive hangover, that I realized if I did not make a choice to stop drinking my life would continue to suck because of alcohol. I had my last drink July 8th . I did not know the how to’s. I did not know anyone else who decided to stop drinking just because it didn’t feel good other than Annie Grace. I was determined to stop. If I had to go to AA so be it. I did not go to AA. I picked up Annie’s book again and began my alcohol-free journey. It has been 22 months since then and I have never been happier. This has been the best decision of my life.
Has it been easy or difficult to give up alcohol, and what do you think contributed to that for you?
It has been much simpler than I anticipated to be. This Naked Mind contributed to my changed mindset about alcohol, All the willpower and the wanting to stop drinking will not work unless your mind is convinced that alcohol equals pain. You cannot do that alone. I allowed myself to be helped through a book. I read many self-development books and listened to tons of podcasts and inspirational YouTube. That is all I did for the first 60 days. I also read a lot of stories on Annie Grace’s blog from strangers on the internet that sounded a lot like my story.
Have you learned anything about your health in relation to alcohol that was surprising or you wish you had known earlier?
I thought that it was normal to feel horrible all the time. My body dragged. I often felt anxious and tired and in a bad mood. Since I became alcohol free, I have some bad days but on most of my days, I have a pep in my step, and I feel great. I feel rested. I feel strong and healthy. Insomnia was one of my excuses to drink. I sleep much better than I did drinking. I handle negative feelings way better too. Not everything is a fire that needs to be out with vodka.
Where there any tools (books, podcasts, etc.) that supported your rethinking process?
Book – This Naked Mind by Annie Grace
Podcast – The Life Coach School by Brooke Castillo
Iyanla, Fix My Life – Through the stories of other people, I learned how to forgive myself and others for all the misery I put myself through.
I also walked every day and cried, lots of crying - that was my emotional release. Walking, music and crying.
What are some benefits you have experienced since cutting out alcohol?
Everything is better without alcohol. Work, parenting, my marriage, my friendships and most importantly the relationship with myself. I LOVE ME AGAIN. I trust me. I honored my promise to myself. I hold space for me to feel awful, tired, miserable. I do whatever it takes to genuinely take care of myself.
What were some common triggers you noticed that caused you to want to grab a glass of wine and what did you do to surge the urge when it hit?
TV, friends, summer BBQs and get togethers were my biggest triggers. In the beginning I tried to watch only shows that did not have any drinking in them. Yes, they are few. I tried to spend a lot of time outdoors and watch only inspirational TV and documentaries. I cut off my drinking buddies before they cut me off. I did not tell them I stopped drinking because I did not want to be sweet talked into drinking. I bubble wrapped myself and my sobriety like a newborn baby. It was only a need-to-know basis. For the first 60 days, the only people that knew I had stopped drinking were my first-born kid and my husband.
How did removing drinking change your ability to contribute as a partner and friend?
All my relationships have remarkably transformed for the better. I have more patience with my kids. The relationship with my first-born child who used to see me spend every Saturday with a drink in my hand, she knew drinking mommy equaled crappy and b*tchy, mom in a few hours. I feel stronger, at peace and I regret nothing.
What is the top piece of advice to someone who might want to rethink drinking?
Do it. You will not regret it. Only YOU knows what NOT drinking means and does for you.
What do you wish you had known before you started this journey?
You do not have to hit rock bottom to want to stop drinking.
You do not have to be an alcoholic to want to stop drinking.
Not everyone needs AA to stop drinking.
There is not only one way to get sober.
Is there anything else you’d like to share with our community?
There used to be a time where it was cool to smoke, and everyone did it. Alcohol’s reputation is not looking so hot right now.
Connect with Lucy and follow her journey on Instagram at @thesoberbrownqueen.
